Friday, November 2, 2012

The No-No Rule

My circle of friends have been talking about the No-No Rule for a few years now.  Never heard of the No-No Rule?  It's pretty simple and it goes like this: When one partner wants to have sex, the other partner doesn't say no without reason (like exhaustion, illness, lots of stress, etc), thus the "no no," as in, don't say no.  One friend calls it her "Okay! Rule," as in she emphatically says, "Okay!"

I know, I know, the idea of it being a "rule" sounds awfully strict.  Maybe even a turn off for some.  If you wish, think of it more as a guideline.  Both partners still retain the right to say no (no one can take away that right!), it just causes them to pause and think about why they are saying no, how often they are saying it, and the affect it may be having in the relationship.

Before you say that sounds awfully sexist, know that the rule goes both ways.  Notice I didn't say, "When the husband wants to have sex, the wife doesn't say no without good reason."  Marriage and affection is, after all, a two way street.

So, what's with this "rule" and why do I think it's important to note?  Well, I've noticed that lack of sex, or sex that occurs only occasionally, in marriage seems to really gnaw at people and cause arguments, even if the irritable partner is the one that doesn't want to have sex.  And, since it seems that a lack of sex causes lack of desire to have sex (to my friends and I, anyway), we like this rule because it keeps sex from being too infrequent.  Friends of mine swear it has increased intimacy, changed attitudes about sex, and saved relationships.  Of course, that's if lack of sex and intimacy is the actual problem in the first place, not something deeper like depression, abuse, or a physical ailment.

Some worry that if they try this "rule," their partner will abuse the privilege.  It's a legitimate concern, and so many people that try the No-No Rule don't tell their partners that they're doing it, at least not at first.  As they progress with it, some people claim that instead of their partners taking advantage of it and being demanding, the opposite happens.  They become more in tune with their partners and have a better understanding of when is and is not a good time to ask for sex.  In fact, I've only heard once of a husband abusing the rule when his wife was using it, but even that was more of a problem with timing.  A frank talk in which she told him that waking her up in the middle of the night several times a week was not OK solved the problem.

Will this philosophy work for you?  I can't answer that.  I know it's worked for me and my circle of friends.  But again, this sort of philosophy is for when lack of intimacy is the core issue, not just a symptom of something bigger.  And remember, as in all things in marriage, communication is key.


  1. We do this, that isn't what we call it though. We have also noticed that with women the more women have sex the more they want sex. To go with this, the less women have sex the easier it is to go without it. We jokingly have a saying in our bedroom that I use when it's been awhile. "I think it's time to force myself to have sex with you". Total joking, I'm just not "in the mood" at all. But once things get started that changes.

    1. Believe me, I know exactly what you are saying! It's so easy to fall into the, "I just don't feel like it" rut. Plus, after about 3 days, we start snapping at each other, and then nobody's happy!