Sunday, November 11, 2012

Talking about Oral: Fellatio

So, for shear simplicity, I did decide to break up male and female oral into separate posts, otherwise this post would be really long.  For now, we are going to talk about the infamous blow job: women performing oral sex on men, otherwise known as fellatio.  Fun fact: I never came across the word "fellatio" until after I was married, and then I saw it in one of those better sex books.  Apparently, it was one of those words that I should have known, and you should, too!

Anyway, the reactions to this specific act are varied from "Eww!" to "Awesome!" but the act itself is very common.  How common?  Depending on the study you are reading, anywhere between 80-97% of people are reported to have at least tried it. Where does that leave the rest of the population who haven't tried?  Well, it just means they haven't tried or aren't interested, that's all.

This is one activity that Husband absolutely loves, but for a long time I absolutely hated it.  I found it boring, physically uncomfortable, unromantic, and impersonal.  When he asked me for it, I went along with him, but I certainly didn't enjoy it.  But I wanted to!  My issue was how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be.  Here's what I've learned about it, myself, and us.

I want to feel involved.    It was years before I came out and told him that one of the major issues I had with fellatio is that I feel like I might as well not be there.  Like I was interchangeable with any other person or masturbation.  I wanted it to be about me.  Moreover, I wanted it to be about us.  When he is in a position where I can't really see his face, and he doesn't bother touching me, I am very unhappy.  After I got up the courage to talk to him about this, he did a little reading on his own to try to understand why I felt this way.  I'm happy to say he now understands and this is no longer an issue.

I have the control here.  Something that has really helped me to be able to see oral sex differently is   going back and forth between two different (but related) mentalities.  First, I'm giving an act of love.  He likes oral sex, and I want to do something loving for him because I can.  The second, as silly as it may sound, is knowing I have the power and the ability to give someone else pleasure.  Inner sex goddess and whatnot.

Teeth aren't fun.  Seriously, watch the teeth.

Time is an issue.  This is something I'm very upfront about.  After a while, fellatio hurts my neck and shoulders (we do it lying down).  After about 15 minutes I have to stop, unless I just happen to be really into it that day.  Upon doing some checking, it looks like a limit of around 15 minutes is pretty average as far as stamina and comfort go.  Husband tries his best to act accordingly, unless I'm giving him signals that he can take his time.  I felt a need to say this because I've heard of men thinking their women are faking discomfort after a while.  Hint: they aren't faking.  If this is a problem in your relationship, this is certainly something that needs to be addressed.

Research is my friend.  If I feel like looking up a new technique, I do.  In fact, I have two books that are exclusively about fellatio, and a few more that mention a little bit about it.  However, keep in mind that each man is unique and not everyone likes the same kind of stimulation.  If I'm not sure if he'll like it, I ask.  It's that simple.

It is what I make it.  If I decide I'm not going to enjoy it, that's what is going to happen.  I muddle through it, just desperate for it to be over.  If I decide that I'll enjoy it, then I do.

Even though I don't go running to oral sex as my favored activity, I no longer hate it.  I even initiate it at times.  I'm even...dare I say it?...starting to like it.  But, like all things in the bedroom, communication is key.

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