Bath Time

A few days ago, our washing machine broke.  We knew it was coming.  The unconscionably expensive thing started to go down hill very fast as soon as the warranty was out of date.  We bought a new one that--get this--sings little tunes at the end of each cycle.  Yes, I know, it's not exactly a selling point, but come on.  It sings.  And now, I can do full loads of clothes and they come out clean in just one cycle!  It turns out that being able to significantly cut down on the amount of laundry I'm behind on puts me in one heck of a good mood.  A friendly mood.  A nice mood.

I was going to go get a shower and Husband was coming with me.  We do that often.  It's a habit we got into long ago, and 99% of the time it's not a sexual thing.  Just a habit we have.  It's a time where we stop, talk about our day, our plans, and just reconnect for a few private moments when the kids are in bed.  I felt like doing something special for him, and whipped up some more vanilla lemon sugar scrub to use on him.  I washed him with a new, fluffy wash cloth and some eucalyptus mint soap, followed by exfoliating him with the sugar scrub.

It's amazing how just the simple act of washing each other, that simple act of care, affection, and love draw us together, no matter how far apart our minds had been a few minutes before.  The stress of the day just melts and for a few moments we are simply together.  There's no pressure, no worries, no responsibilities dragging us in a multitude of directions.  We are simply sharing a small space and being who we are together.  We feel comforted, calm, loved.  If we make love after these moments, it is often the best we have.  Taking that time out allows both of us to be in tune with the other's needs and desires.  Sometimes we try something new.  Sometimes we fall on old, comforting standards.  Either way, that level of connection can't be beat.

Reconnecting (and a DIY spa recipe!)

Lemon Vanilla Sugar Scrub

Sometimes the stress just gets to us.  It's not even anything particularly big, but a bunch of little things piled up together to the point where we throw our hands up in surrender and cry, "No more!"  A few nights ago was one of those times.  We were snippy, we were exhausted, we were all sorts of angry and hostile and just needed a time out.  Well, why let it just lie when you can do something about it?  I began to scheme.

While the evening was winding down I began to prep.  I started by giving the bathroom a really deep clean, because that's where the evening was going to begin.  Then I placed some candles on small dishes around the sink near the shower.  And then it was off to the kitchen.

Now, when I do anything in the kitchen, Husband gets excited and thinks I might be baking something.  He immediately wanted to know what I was up to, but I made him wait.  Then I started making a sugar scrub (recipe at the bottom of the post).

After the kids were in bed, I lit the candles and started the shower.  I took Husband in with me, and we spent quite some time using the body scrub on each other.  The contact was soothing, relaxing, and really helped us just stop and reconnect with each other.  We were able to ground ourselves and really just be with each other for those few minutes.  There is nothing quite doing something so caring for each other, even when it is as simple as washing the skin.  It had been a long time since we had done something just so aching beautiful.  I know it sounds ridiculous and dramatic, but it's true.

*          *          *

All this had an amazing side effect, besides the obvious emotional reconnection.  That body scrub I made?  It was beyond fabulous.  We now make and use it regularly.  Both of us had smooth, soft skin that we, yes, WE, loved.  Want the recipe?  Here it is:

Vanilla Lemon Sugar Scrub

• 2/3 cup white sugar
• zest of one lemon
• a teaspoon or so of lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
• smidge of olive oil

Pour sugar in a bowl, add vanilla and stir until well combined.  Zest a lemon, making sure to break up any long strands of zest.  

My zester.  I love this thing.

Ribbons of lemon zest

Add it and the lemon juice to the sugar and stir.  Now comes the olive oil.  How much olive oil you need is really going to depend on how damp the atmosphere and sugar are, but it will be somewhere around a tablespoon or so. You are looking to make a paste, but not too wet.  Place in airtight container.

Ingredients mixed together

To use, place some in your palm and scrub over your body in circular motions.  Rinse off.  Take care, as the oil in the scrub may make the bottom of your shower slightly slick.  Now, enjoy the smoothness of your skin.

The No-No Rule

My circle of friends have been talking about the No-No Rule for a few years now.  Never heard of the No-No Rule?  It's pretty simple and it goes like this: When one partner wants to have sex, the other partner doesn't say no without reason (like exhaustion, illness, lots of stress, etc), thus the "no no," as in, don't say no.  One friend calls it her "Okay! Rule," as in she emphatically says, "Okay!"

I know, I know, the idea of it being a "rule" sounds awfully strict.  Maybe even a turn off for some.  If you wish, think of it more as a guideline.  Both partners still retain the right to say no (no one can take away that right!), it just causes them to pause and think about why they are saying no, how often they are saying it, and the affect it may be having in the relationship.

Before you say that sounds awfully sexist, know that the rule goes both ways.  Notice I didn't say, "When the husband wants to have sex, the wife doesn't say no without good reason."  Marriage and affection is, after all, a two way street.

So, what's with this "rule" and why do I think it's important to note?  Well, I've noticed that lack of sex, or sex that occurs only occasionally, in marriage seems to really gnaw at people and cause arguments, even if the irritable partner is the one that doesn't want to have sex.  And, since it seems that a lack of sex causes lack of desire to have sex (to my friends and I, anyway), we like this rule because it keeps sex from being too infrequent.  Friends of mine swear it has increased intimacy, changed attitudes about sex, and saved relationships.  Of course, that's if lack of sex and intimacy is the actual problem in the first place, not something deeper like depression, abuse, or a physical ailment.

Some worry that if they try this "rule," their partner will abuse the privilege.  It's a legitimate concern, and so many people that try the No-No Rule don't tell their partners that they're doing it, at least not at first.  As they progress with it, some people claim that instead of their partners taking advantage of it and being demanding, the opposite happens.  They become more in tune with their partners and have a better understanding of when is and is not a good time to ask for sex.  In fact, I've only heard once of a husband abusing the rule when his wife was using it, but even that was more of a problem with timing.  A frank talk in which she told him that waking her up in the middle of the night several times a week was not OK solved the problem.

Will this philosophy work for you?  I can't answer that.  I know it's worked for me and my circle of friends.  But again, this sort of philosophy is for when lack of intimacy is the core issue, not just a symptom of something bigger.  And remember, as in all things in marriage, communication is key.

Finding the Time: The Time is When You Make It

"We don't have the time.  We have kids."

I've heard this so many times now.  Sometimes, it's morphed into "We don't have time.  We have teenagers."

Parenting is an amazing journey.  It's full of ups and downs, joys and worries, small victories and quiet losses.  Marriage is the same.  It's both relaxing shelter and hard work.  As I've said before, Husband and I believe that sex is a part of marriage that affects other parts, and we're not willing to compromise in this area.  Sometimes that means we're exhausted.  Sometimes that means we stay up long after the kids are in bed.  Heck, sometimes that means we're up in the middle of the night or awake before the morning alarm!  The point is that no matter when the time is, there is time.  We make sure of that.

The other day a friend said there is no time because there are teenagers in the house.  I just don't get that.  Are the teens always home?  Are they making a nuisance of themselves?  Do you not have a lock on your bedroom door??? 

Yes, finding the time is hard.  But it's worth it.

I'm Just Not in the Mood

Sometimes life gets in the way.  When that happens...well, it sucks.  Husband and I had been exhausted and busy, and at the end of the day we collapsed onto our living room furniture, maybe with a drink, and just relaxed and watched TV.  After a couple of days of this, something very disturbing happened: I didn't want to have sex.  At all.  What I wanted was a cup of tea and my big chair, followed by bed.  For a sex blogger, that situation is challenging.  For a wife that has a very active sex life with her husband, it is downright bad.  And it's not the first time this has been an issue.  Something had to be done.

Finally Husband, who was just as exhausted and disinterested as I was, said, "Do you want to have sex?"

I was honest in my answer.  "No.  But I feel like we should."  It was the absolute truth.  I did not want to have sex, but I was aware that we were falling into a hole that is not easily climbed out of.

We forced ourselves to get back to our old routine.  And afterwards, we felt so much better.  I think I really do believe that the more you have it, the more you want it.

Finding the Time: Inexensive (cheap!) At Home Dates

Sometimes, I just want to spend some time with the Husband doing something relaxing.  Or fun.  Or sexy.  But without a sitter that can come at a drop of a hat so that Husband and I can sneak away, we have to get creative.  Instead, here are some things we've done (or plan to do) that we can stay home for, are inexpensive, and can be done after the kids are in bed.

1. Have a late dinner and movie.  This one is simple enough.  Feed the kids dinner at a normal time, and put them to bed as usual.  Later, make a special dinner (or send one partner to grab some take-out).  Put on a  movie or tv show that you've both been wanting to see or that is an old favorite.  (Netflix, anyone?)

2. Learn some massage.  Last year, Husband and I bought a portable massage table as a joint Christmas gift to each other.  I can't remember the price, but I believe it was under $200 and came with a face rest, arm rest, and storage bag.  Paired with a few ho-to massage books, we use it to give each other some much needed relaxation.

3. Start a project.  This kind of thing may be a bit more challenging.  If you can find something you both enjoy, even if it is just a jigsaw puzzle, do it together!  However, beware that when doing projects tempers can sometimes flare.

4. Just sit.  It sounds over simplistic, I know, but some of my fondest memories with Husband are of us just sitting out on our porch and being with each other.  It's pleasant even when we have nothing to say.  I guess I should say that we are to the point in our relationship where we don't feel the need to fill silence with mindless chatter.

5. Have another couple over.  Plan a dinner, game night, or just some late evening social time with another couple or some close friends.

6. Try something new in the bedroom.  Or living room.  Or wherever.  Look up a new position or sexual activity and give it a try.  If you are interested, purchase a new sex toy, piece of lingerie (for him or her), or lubricant.  Whatever you choose doesn't have to be a grand gesture or something crazy (although that is fun), just something new or seldom used.

7. Set the mood.  Decide on what kind of evening you'd like to have.  Sexy?  Relaxing?  Neutral?  Pick your theme and go with it.  Light some candles, put on some music or a movie, and see what the evening has in store.

8. DIY Spa night.  Sound too girly?  Think again.  Most (but not all) of the DIY spa things I like for myself, Husband likes also.  Nothing makes us feel better than implementing one of the many relaxing foot soak recipes that are out there, followed by a foot rub.  You can also find recipes for face masks and body scrubs, both great ideas.

Those are what we do for our time together.  All of them are cheap and each and every one can be done after the kids are in bed.

Do you have any cheap date night ideas?  What do you do?

Finding the Time: Dealing with Children

I can not be the only one that has had this issue.  The kids are in bed or otherwise occupied.  You quietly shut the bedroom door and turn the lock.  You think you can maybe sneak in 20 minutes before someone needs something.  You fall into bed to enjoy your time with your spouse.  3 minutes pass...

"Mom!  I need a drink of waaaaaaaaaaater!"

Sigh.  "So go get one!"

"OK!"

~A few seconds pass...~

"I can't find my cup!"

"Get one out of the cabinet."

~Seconds pass...~

"I can't reach them!"

I'm not alone in this, right?  If you have kids, I can nearly guarantee this has happened to you.  I love my kids, love them dearly, and wouldn't be without them, but, like every other mother/wife, sometimes I need a minute with my husband.  Here's a few tricks that work for us for our school-age children so that we can sneak away.  Note: these tricks should NOT be used with a baby, toddler, or preschooler.  Children that young need supervision and should not be left to occupy themselves.  Finding time for sex with children that young is another topic and another post.

-Declare it to be homework/reading/project time.
-Ask them to pick up their toys and watch them scatter to occupy themselves elsewhere.
-Put on a movie.
-Tell them it is "rest time."  In our house, this involves the kids getting their pillows, blankets, and special sleeping toys (yes, they both have one), and lay down to watch a movie or favorite show.
-Send them off with a trusted friend/relative for a playdate.
-Set a bedtime and enforce it.  This is our go-to and what we do most often.

What we never do:
-Give them food to occupy them.  In our opinion, this is a very dangerous thing to do and can lead to choking.  We've had to do the Heimlich on both of our kids at some point in their lives when they inhaled at the wrong time or tried to put too much food in their mouths.  The standing rule in our house is that if we aren't with you, then you aren't eating!

The biggest help to our sex life while parenting is a simple rule: too tired from being a parent is not an excuse not to find time to be intimate.  It sounds harsh, but hear me out.  Of course, sometimes we feel too tired to do anything.  It happens and that is part of life.  But, in our sex life, we never allow it to be a constant reason to not find the time to be intimate.  Occasionally, that means we find the time even when we don't feel like it, but are always glad that we took that time afterwards.

Finding the Time: Getting the Groove Back

I do a lot of reading for what I do here.  I visit forums, read reviews, books, magazines, websites, articles... the list is endless.  Something that I keep seeing over and over again is women complaining that they just can't manage to have sex because they either don't have time or they simply don't want to.  Although I understand their feelings, I find the idea worrisome.  It's easy to get into that rut, and very hard to get out.  It seems like spouses start to get angry with each other over it, which only leads to more feelings of "I don't want to," or "There's no time," or "I'm too tired."  Now, sometimes a person really can't manage it.  They're ill, or exhausted, or on a particular day there really isn't time.  It happens.  But what about when that excuse becomes a daily problem?  "He/she doesn't understand my sexual needs," or, "He/she no longer wants to have sex," are problems that I see people complain about fairly often.


Once in that funk, how do you get out?  Folk wisdom states that the more sex you have, the more you want it.  Some experts suggest having sex at least once a week, and some couples have taken on grand experiments like having sex every day for a whole year.

I honestly can't say if there is a single thing that will work for absolutely everyone.  I'm not a sex therapist.  But what I can say is what works for me and some of the people I've talked to about how they get out and stay out of that no-sex-in-marriage funk.

Husband and I tried the sex every day for a year thing.  For us, that led to all sorts of problems.  For one, we ended up discussing what actually counts as sex.  Does it count only if there is penetration?  If there is orgasm?  Does any sort of sexual activity count?  And we found that knowing we had to have sex whether we wanted to or not felt too much like a chore.  We realized that we had sex almost daily anyway, so the whole 365 thing didn't really work for us.  However, there do seem to be other couples who planning on having sex for X number of days works for.  I won't knock it, it just didn't work for us.

Husband and I aren't really planners when it comes to sex.  But, I've heard other couples have had good luck with planning a special "date" night and/or time that they set aside to be intimate with each other.  If that works, go for it.

For Husband and I, the point is not when we do it, or whether we want to do it, but to make sure we have the intimate time together that we need, lest we fall into that same kind of rut.  There has been more than one time when we're feeling distant from each other, angry, and downright cranky, when we look at each other and ask "Do we need to go have sex?"  Even when sex is the furthest thing from our minds, we find that yes, we do.  It's part of life.  Part of marriage.  And one that is increasingly overlooked.  Did you know that it is estimated that 40 million Americans are stuck in a sexless marriages?  True story.


Sources:
"Why you should have sex at least once a week" by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex counselor (CNN)
"Yes, Dear.  Tonight Again." by Ralf Gardner, Jr. (NY Times)