Monday, September 10, 2012

Finding the Time: Getting the Groove Back

I do a lot of reading for what I do here.  I visit forums, read reviews, books, magazines, websites, articles... the list is endless.  Something that I keep seeing over and over again is women complaining that they just can't manage to have sex because they either don't have time or they simply don't want to.  Although I understand their feelings, I find the idea worrisome.  It's easy to get into that rut, and very hard to get out.  It seems like spouses start to get angry with each other over it, which only leads to more feelings of "I don't want to," or "There's no time," or "I'm too tired."  Now, sometimes a person really can't manage it.  They're ill, or exhausted, or on a particular day there really isn't time.  It happens.  But what about when that excuse becomes a daily problem?  "He/she doesn't understand my sexual needs," or, "He/she no longer wants to have sex," are problems that I see people complain about fairly often.

Once in that funk, how do you get out?  Folk wisdom states that the more sex you have, the more you want it.  Some experts suggest having sex at least once a week, and some couples have taken on grand experiments like having sex every day for a whole year.

I honestly can't say if there is a single thing that will work for absolutely everyone.  I'm not a sex therapist.  But what I can say is what works for me and some of the people I've talked to about how they get out and stay out of that no-sex-in-marriage funk.

Husband and I tried the sex every day for a year thing.  For us, that led to all sorts of problems.  For one, we ended up discussing what actually counts as sex.  Does it count only if there is penetration?  If there is orgasm?  Does any sort of sexual activity count?  And we found that knowing we had to have sex whether we wanted to or not felt too much like a chore.  We realized that we had sex almost daily anyway, so the whole 365 thing didn't really work for us.  However, there do seem to be other couples who planning on having sex for X number of days works for.  I won't knock it, it just didn't work for us.

Husband and I aren't really planners when it comes to sex.  But, I've heard other couples have had good luck with planning a special "date" night and/or time that they set aside to be intimate with each other.  If that works, go for it.

For Husband and I, the point is not when we do it, or whether we want to do it, but to make sure we have the intimate time together that we need, lest we fall into that same kind of rut.  There has been more than one time when we're feeling distant from each other, angry, and downright cranky, when we look at each other and ask "Do we need to go have sex?"  Even when sex is the furthest thing from our minds, we find that yes, we do.  It's part of life.  Part of marriage.  And one that is increasingly overlooked.  Did you know that it is estimated that 40 million Americans are stuck in a sexless marriages?  True story.

"Why you should have sex at least once a week" by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex counselor (CNN)
"Yes, Dear.  Tonight Again." by Ralf Gardner, Jr. (NY Times)

No comments:

Post a Comment