Thursday, February 28, 2013

Women hate sex...right?

Today, I am angry.  No, I am more than angry.  I am livid.  I am sick to death of the same nonsense being repeated over and over.  It's in movies.  It's in TV shows.  It's in books.  This thought has become so pervasive that we've started repeating it to ourselves and each other.  This ultimately damaging and potentially relationship-wrecking thought is this:

Women hate sex.  Or, more recently, it's related cousin: Women don't make sex a priority.

Let me tell you, dear readers, nothing gets me inflamed faster except olives on my pizza.  It is an outdated, stupid, and lazy line of thinking and people are believing it.  I will not stand for it.

Confused?  Let's back up and take a look.  Some weeks ago, I blogged about a commercial that played on this same tired stereotype.  A few days ago, I blogged about the infamous vibrator gift.  If you recall, what really inflamed me about that last one was not what happened, but this generalized statement:
...he forgot that for most women, orgasms come second to foot massages, books, chocolates and anti-aging facials.
No.  No no no no.  Most women?  Seriously?  I'm trying not to type in all caps here, and I'm finding it very, very hard.  But, as Penny said in O Brother, Where Art Thou, "I've spoken my peace and counted to three."  The end.  Until a fellow blogger showed me this: 25 Things Moms Would Rather Do Than Have Sex 6 Weeks After Having a Baby.  Particularly, this statement:
 ...getting back in the saddle again and resuming an active sex life usually isn't a huge priority for new moms.
Look, I get babies are rough.  I know.  I have kids, too, and I know that sometimes you just want 10 minutes to yourself.  And, to be fair, the study that particular author references does say that most moms wait longer than six weeks to engage in intercourse, but it also said that 53% had some sort of sexual activity before six weeks, just not intercourse.  For the love of all things, read the whole article.  Despite what the 25 Things author hints at, they aren't holding out because sex isn't a priority.  They wait longer because they are waiting for birth injuries to heal.  That's a big difference.  To say sex life isn't a priority for new moms --not some new moms, not a few new moms, but simply "new moms" -- because of that study would be like saying, "I'm sick so I can't have sex right now," and "Having sex is no longer a priority in my life," are the same thing. They are most certainly not the same.

Now, the author of the 25 Things article does eventually say, "At least it was for me..."  But then she ruins it by this statement:
Having sex was probably the furthest thing from my mind at that time -- to the point where I really can't understand how ANY new mom would rate having sex as being high up on her "to-do" list.
Aaaaaaaand we're back to angry.  Personally, it was really hard for me to wait the whole 6 weeks after the birth of my children.  Most of the moms I know say the same thing.  The thing is, yes, some women don't make their sex life a priority.  I will stand up here and shout it from the mountain tops and mean it.  But guess what?  Some men don't, either!  For every husband you point to that complains that his wife doesn't have the time or energy for him, I will show you a wife that says the exact same thing about her husband.  I run into them all the time!  Heck, I was talking to one yesterday!  It's not a woman thing.  It's a people thing.  It's a relationship thing.  It's so easy -- and by easy I mean ridiculously lazy -- to look at a sexless or near-sexless relationship and blame the woman because women just don't like sex.  You can say it, but it wouldn't be true.  It's not about women.  It's about people and how they navigate their relationships.

So stop.  Stop tolerating this nonsense right now.  Stop telling each other this.  Stop telling yourselves this.  DO NOT let media or other people tell you that not only do women not like sex, but that it's somehow "normal" not to.  Women, in general, don't hate sex.  Women, in general, don't even think it is a low priority.  Yes, some women do.  Some men do, too.  We just don't talk about it because it is just so much easier to rely on stereotypes for the diagnosis of sexual problems.  If there is a sexual problem in a relationship, it is time to open up and *gasp* talk to each other.


  1. Ok, this is a post that gets two thumbs up and a vigorous "Hell yeah! You tell em, girl!" from me :D

    1. Thanks, Michele! High praise. :) Can you tell that I was (and am) a bit ruffled?

  2. Shared! You are so right ( I don't have kids so I don't know about that part by experience but...) It is those old-fashioned ideas that just annoy the crap out of me. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband and he's 24! Lol.