Women hate sex...right?

Today, I am angry.  No, I am more than angry.  I am livid.  I am sick to death of the same nonsense being repeated over and over.  It's in movies.  It's in TV shows.  It's in books.  This thought has become so pervasive that we've started repeating it to ourselves and each other.  This ultimately damaging and potentially relationship-wrecking thought is this:

Women hate sex.  Or, more recently, it's related cousin: Women don't make sex a priority.

Let me tell you, dear readers, nothing gets me inflamed faster except olives on my pizza.  It is an outdated, stupid, and lazy line of thinking and people are believing it.  I will not stand for it.

Confused?  Let's back up and take a look.  Some weeks ago, I blogged about a commercial that played on this same tired stereotype.  A few days ago, I blogged about the infamous vibrator gift.  If you recall, what really inflamed me about that last one was not what happened, but this generalized statement:

...he forgot that for most women, orgasms come second to foot massages, books, chocolates and anti-aging facials.

No.  No no no no.  Most women?  Seriously?  I'm trying not to type in all caps here, and I'm finding it very, very hard.  But, as Penny said in O Brother, Where Art Thou, "I've spoken my peace and counted to three."  The end.  Until a fellow blogger showed me this: 25 Things Moms Would Rather Do Than Have Sex 6 Weeks After Having a Baby.  Particularly, this statement:

 ...getting back in the saddle again and resuming an active sex life usually isn't a huge priority for new moms.

Look, I get babies are rough.  I know.  I have kids, too, and I know that sometimes you just want 10 minutes to yourself.  And, to be fair, the study that particular author references does say that most moms wait longer than six weeks to engage in intercourse, but it also said that 53% had some sort of sexual activity before six weeks, just not intercourse.  For the love of all things, read the whole article.  Despite what the 25 Things author hints at, they aren't holding out because sex isn't a priority.  They wait longer because they are waiting for birth injuries to heal.  That's a big difference.  To say sex life isn't a priority for new moms --not some new moms, not a few new moms, but simply "new moms" -- because of that study would be like saying, "I'm sick so I can't have sex right now," and "Having sex is no longer a priority in my life," are the same thing. They are most certainly not the same.

Now, the author of the 25 Things article does eventually say, "At least it was for me..."  But then she ruins it by this statement:

Having sex was probably the furthest thing from my mind at that time -- to the point where I really can't understand how ANY new mom would rate having sex as being high up on her "to-do" list.

Aaaaaaaand we're back to angry.  Personally, it was really hard for me to wait the whole 6 weeks after the birth of my children.  Most of the moms I know say the same thing.  The thing is, yes, some women don't make their sex life a priority.  I will stand up here and shout it from the mountain tops and mean it.  But guess what?  Some men don't, either!  For every husband you point to that complains that his wife doesn't have the time or energy for him, I will show you a wife that says the exact same thing about her husband.  I run into them all the time!  Heck, I was talking to one yesterday!  It's not a woman thing.  It's a people thing.  It's a relationship thing.  It's so easy -- and by easy I mean ridiculously lazy -- to look at a sexless or near-sexless relationship and blame the woman because women just don't like sex.  You can say it, but it wouldn't be true.  It's not about women.  It's about people and how they navigate their relationships.

So stop.  Stop tolerating this nonsense right now.  Stop telling each other this.  Stop telling yourselves this.  DO NOT let media or other people tell you that not only do women not like sex, but that it's somehow "normal" not to.  Women, in general, don't hate sex.  Women, in general, don't even think it is a low priority.  Yes, some women do.  Some men do, too.  We just don't talk about it because it is just so much easier to rely on stereotypes for the diagnosis of sexual problems.  If there is a sexual problem in a relationship, it is time to open up and *gasp* talk to each other.

Touche Ice Massager (Small) Review

A few days ago I told you about Fun Factory's Stronic Eins.  It's an amazing toy that is truly unique in it's function.  I have never seen anything like it.  Today I'm going to tell you about another unique toy, but unlike the Stronic Eins, this one didn't exactly inspire a sense of awe.  I'm going to be talking about the Touche Vibrating Ice Massager (Small).

A little bit about it: Let me go ahead and just say bluntly what this is.  It's a vibrating ice cube handle.  No, really.  It's a silicone ice cube handle and ice cube form with a small bullet vibe.  You remove the bullet with a special included tool that looks a lot like an Allen wrench, and set it aside.  You then fill the form (the white part) with water, and place the handle (the colored part) on top.  Then stick in the freezer.  When it's done, you put the bullet back in and you have a vibrating ice massager...in theory.

What I loved: *sigh*  Um...  You know what?  As far as sex play goes, I have nothing nice to say here.  Usually I can think of something, but not this time.

What I didn't: I had problems with this from the start.  First off, the bullet is extremely buzzy and weak, and is very difficult to remove from the hole in the side of the handle.  Remember, you have to take it out to freeze the handle and mold, so this is a huge design flaw.  Even though it comes with a tool, the tool did little for me except scratch the crap out of the side of the vibe and slightly rip the handle.

Scratched bullet.  Also, the end is coming open for some reason.

Hole for the bullet vibe.

Once the bullet vibe is back in the handle and the ice cube is formed, there is another huge problem.  The vibrator does not vibrate the ice very much.  You can feel the ice vibrating, but barely, with your fingers.  If you place it anywhere else on your body, you can't feel the vibrations at all.  However, the handle (colored part) does buzz quite a bit, so it tickles your hand.  So, the handle vibrates, but the part that is supposed to vibrate doesn't.

Final Thought: I'm going to say outright that I never use this as a sex toy.  It's OK for nipple stimulation and such, but I just can't get over the failure of the vibrations.  I can just leave the bullet out and use it for temperature play, but without the bullet there is quite a big hole on the side.  Honestly, that's ugly.  I would be happier if instead of such a failure of a bullet that gets stuck in a place that it's supposed to be easily removed from, it was just the handle and the ice form.  As it is, the fact that it vibrates is a major selling point, so I can't help but feel really let down that it doesn't work that well.  I would like to see a non-vibrating version where the handle is just solid, instead of having a hole for the bullet.  A solid handle combined with the nice rounded ice cubes it produces would be great for temperature play.  The way it currently is has me irritated and Husband scratching his head.  I now use it when my hormones get crazy and give me hot flashes.  It's good for that.


~I received this item as a freebie when I bought another item.~

The Gifting of the Vibrator

Husband does not get hints.  If I make statements like, "I really like silver jewelry," and "Oh, look, Kay's is having a sale!" he will NOT put those things together to mean that I would like a piece of jewelry for my birthday.  Such information must be given to him bluntly and subtlety most certainly isn't his thing.  That's not a complaint, just an observation.  It sounds mean, but seriously, think Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory.  No, I'm not kidding.  He even has his specific seat on the couch that is molded to him.  That being said, sometimes he fails at gifts.  This led him to ask for specifics when I want something.  He doesn't want me to say, "Oh, I'd like something to help me relax," or, "I think I might like to go to dinner."  He wants me to say, "I want a massage stone," or, "I'd like to go to dinner at that new restaurant."

Eventually we all may have a bit of a diva tantrum when it comes to gifts.  I once received a kitschy cat mug that at first filled me full of rage.  Long story short, it was the kind of thing my mother would have collected, I'm not on good terms with my mother, and just seeing something that reminded me of her set me off.  I eventually liked the mug and now I actually use it.  See?  I'm not perfect.  Neither are you.  Or anyone else.  We all have our lapses in maturity when it comes to gifts.

I now want to point you to the article, My Husband Bought Me a Vibrator for My Birthday. It makes me a little sad.  You are free to go read it, but I'll give you the highlights: She hinted to her husband that she wanted something for her birthday that would help her relax (she meant something like a facial, but...), her husband thought she would enjoy a really expensive vibrator*, he felt he did a really good thing,  he thought she was going to love it, she hated it and let him know in no uncertain terms that she did, he was confused, and she was super-pissed at the price involved.

Long story short, springing a sex toy as a gift on someone who hasn't shown an interest in them is probably not a good idea, but she probably should have been a little more grateful if he really had her best interest at heart.

However, my main point is not gratefulness in gift giving.  The main point is the repetition of the old idea that women don't like sex and don't care about orgasms.  She even says in the article that her husband gave her the "boy answer, not the girl answer."  The thing that irritated me most about this article is this statement:

And then I realised…that’s exactly what he did. He bought me the ultimate gift for relaxation except he forgot that for most women, orgasms come second to foot massages, books, chocolates and anti-aging facials.

Um...says who?  I might be going a little too TMI here, but if Husband and I don't have our sex and orgasms, we, yes WE, he and I, get pretty cranky.  I don't care for an anti-aging facial.  I could go for some chocolate but an orgasm is better, I like books but Husband is pretty awesome, and I can get a foot massage anytime but want an orgasm sooner.  What "most women" is she talking about?  I'm pretty sure I'm not in some tiny fraction of women that actually enjoy sex with their husbands.

I'm just sick of being told, and even women telling each other, that sex life in marriage is not a priority.  I'm tired of hearing that it's not something we are meant to enjoy.  I'm tired of hearing that I as a woman should not think it's important!  How, how, how could people still be telling themselves and each other that these things don't matter?


*Note: He claimed that the vibe was around $200 Australian, which is around $206 US.  I'm pretty sure he's either lying about the price or he was taken in.  There is now way that thing should have cost that much.  Please, always buy from a reputable dealer.

Stronic Eins Review

I told you that I was going to get it.  And I did.  I basically wiped out my points to have it, but now it's mine.  The much celebrated, much coveted, much blogged about, Fun Factory's Stronic Eins!  You can picture trumpet fanfare here if you'd like.  Go ahead.  You know you want to.

A little bit about it: The Stronic Eins, according to Fun Factory, is not a vibrator.  It's a pulsator.  It doesn't vibrate as much as it shakes forward and back.  It sort of, but not quite, mimics sex.  It's rechargeable, waterproof, comes with 4 speeds and 6 patterns, and is made of silicone with a plastic handle.  The total length runs about 9.5 inches total from end to end, but only about 4.5-5 inches is insertable.  The circumference gets gradually wider as you go down the toy.  It's about 4 inches in circumference towards the tip, finally becoming 6 inches toward the handle.  I know that sounds really wide for most people, but don't worry.  You likely won't be inserting it that far.

The packaging: I know some people really hate tacky packaging (*cough* me *cough*), but this one comes in the typical coppery box with outer informational sleeve that other Fun Factory toys come in.  It's neither tacky nor particularly discreet.

What I loved: Honestly, the size of this thing is perfect.  It's not so wide that most people would have problems, nor is it so small that it's unsatisfying.  There is a small amount of flex to the silicone, but not so much that there is any trouble hitting the right spots with some oomph.  The G-spot curve, combined with the specific kind of movements the Stronic Eins offers, is phenomenal.  My favorite way to use it is to set the G-spot tip at the right place and then just let go.  I mean literally, hands off.  Holding on to the toy, especially if you hold on tight, reduces the movements and therefore the effectiveness.  You can hold it loosely and be fine, but really I think just not touching it is the way to go.  And since I've recently discovered G-spot orgasms, this is now one of my favorite toys, right up there with the Pure Wand.

The pulses cause the Stronic Eins to shake back and forth (or, in and out, if you will).  It only moves about an inch in each direction when it does, but it feels like it is moving so much further!  The strength of the pulses shake my whole lower abdomen.  However, if I can be perfectly honest, the toy does not feel like having sex.  I know a lot of people, myself included, were really hoping it would mimic sex.  Although some of the patterns sort of mimic the same kind of patterns you'd find in sex, it's not quite the same.  Let's be honest here: sex is sex, a toy is a toy, and one can't truly feel like the other.  That being said, the pulses instead of vibrations are a truly unique sensation.  I wish I could say the Stronic Eins feels like ______, but at the moment there is nothing on the market like it.  The closest way I can describe the sensations from the Stronic Eins is to say that it is like combining the rhythms of sex with the steady predictability of a vibrator with the motion of a favorite dildo minus the arm fatigue.

Oh, and because I have to fit this in here somewhere, let me say that the Stronic Eins is super quiet.  You may be able to hear it in the same room, but not from behind a closed door.

What I didn't: When I tried using the Stronic Eins in different positions, even standing up in the shower with it, it reduced the effectiveness.  It isn't an issue with the toy losing power, but more an issue of it needing to have the room to move freely.

Final thought: At $200, I have to say whether or not the toy is worth it.  To me?  Yes.  Totally worth it.  If I had a star rating system, I'd rate it 4.5 or 4.75 out of 5 stars.  It is a truly unique and amazing toy, and the shape of it is great even if you don't like the pulses.  However, not everyone is going to be madly in love with the motions.  It's one of those toys that is so unique that you will not know if you love it until you try it.  Personally, I love it and Husband is rather amused by it.


~I received this toy at a discount in exchange for writing a review on another site.~

Body Image

Take a look at this.  It's a series of gifs of before and after photoshop jobs of popular stars put together by BuzzFeed.  Go ahead and look.  At least look at a couple.  I'll wait.

Ready?  Good.  Let's continue.

I'll be honest.  I've known since I was in late high school/early college that stars are photoshopped and airbrushed and all that jazz.  I've known.  I found it irritating.  But really, there was nothing I could do about it and I thought it really doesn't affect me.  I, personally, would never feel the need to compare myself to these glossy photos that have absolutely no bearing on reality.  Not ever.  I knew better.

Only I did it anyway.  You see, I was the fat sister.  I wasn't obese, but I was most definitely on the chunkier side.  There were a few family members that, especially when they were angry with me, loved to remind me that I wasn't, shall we say, appropriately sized?  [I think it's important to note here that all involved grew into perfectly lovely people and, well, kids can be cruel.]  At school, the teasing was relentless.  There were specific phrases used in my direction that I still carry with me to this day, even though I know it meant nothing.  However, it is kind of hard to not carry some scars when you felt so belittled that you took it as a compliment when someone called you "she" instead of "it."

You know what the hilarious thing about it all is?  I wasn't even that unattractive of a child.  I wasn't even that heavy.  A bit overweight?  Yes, by a few pounds.  Unhealthy?  Nope.  In fact, at one point I hit a growth spurt and shot straight up and got tall and thin.  So why all the teasing?  To put it simply, I was easy.  After the growth spurt, the belittling continued.  I put all that weight back on without realizing it had come off.  The only reason I even knew it happened is the photos I saw of myself years later.

So here I am.  An adult.  I'm slightly over the healthy weight line.  By like...10 pounds, I think.  I've been trying to lose that 10 or 15 pounds for years.  I eat right.  I exercise.  That's not just lip service.  It's true.  Those last few pounds to get back into the healthy weight range are just all sorts of stubborn.  However, I've made peace with myself.  I'm still trying to get those last pounds off, but that's for health.  Ok, a little for vanity.  Shut up.  Don't judge me.

But I'm not here to talk about that.  I just get sidetracked.  What I want to talk about is body image issues and photoshopping.  I will never be what the media thinks of as beautiful.  I also don't particularly care.  Consciously, I knew no one is as beautiful as they are in the magazines, not even the models themselves.  Their images are drastically altered, turning people of perfectly healthy, and even super skinny weights, into skeletons.  And I understand wanting to airbrush out a pimple or scratch, as those are fading things, but removing moles and freckles?  Those are part of you are.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?  Even the people hailed as the most beautiful people in the world are still not beautiful enough.  If that's true, then what hope do I have?  Or you?  Or anyone?

The most disturbing thing about these images is that they just get into your head.  Like I've said at least twice now, I know better.  I know those photos are, for a lack of a better word, fake.  And yet, sometimes I glance at those magazine covers as I'm checking out in the grocery store with a cart of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and good meats, and think to myself, "I wish my hair was full like that. My hair is so thin."  Or, "If only my belly was that flat.  If only my thighs were that smooth.  If only my face was thinner."  And that's really what pisses me off about the whole thing.  It's this nonsense.  Being educated and aware and still not being able to escape the inadequacy.

But you know what?  When Husband walks through the room and pokes me in the belly, it's a sign of affection.  He's being playful and spirited, not calling attention to the fact that my belly should be smaller. When he plays with my hair, he's not thinking that he wishes it was curlier or fuller.  And when we finally crawl into bed at the end of the day, he's not wishing for that woman on the magazine cover.  He wants me.  Just me.  So you know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to keep reminding myself that I'm perfectly fine.  That I'm loved and love others.  That I can't measure up to people that don't exist.  Period.

More often? No, just better.

Husband and I are big believers in the idea that a big part of marital harmony has to do with sex life.  We've had friends come to us and complain and complain about how horrible their spouse is at [spending time with them, remembering to take out the trash, not being selfish, keeping up with the housework, putting their spouse above their friends, not being negative, not picking fights, not being passive agressive, etc.] only to find out that sex is non-existent.  As a logical person, I would think that it's the negative behaviors that are causing the lack of sex, but upon talking to these people, we find it's actually the other way around.  The lack of intimacy came first, then the negative thoughts and behaviors.  This is why Husband and I make a point to not let any longer than 4 days go between intimate encounters, but usually we have intimate time at least once a day.

Since we discovered that I am, in fact, capable of vaginal orgasms, it seemed like our frequency has increased.  Then I realized that no, the frequency hadn't increased.  It was the quality that had.  See, since we realized I can have vaginal orgasms (they're just way weaker than my clitoral ones.  So weak, I didn't notice I was having them) I've become much more in tune with myself.  Now that I recognize the sensations, we've been experimenting with different positions and toys.  Before, when I started to get the feeling that I now recognize is impending vaginal orgasm, Husband had changed positions and was speeding up.  Now that we know what to look for and what positions to start in, we're both enjoying ourselves and each other even more than before.

Arguments

Even Husband and I have the occasional spat.  I'll admit that it isn't too often that our fights go any further than one party saying something unkind, the other getting upset, and then apologies being passed around.  Harsh feelings between us don't last all that long.

Husband has been working unusually long hours lately.  He doesn't want to; it's just a busy time at work.  Longer days for him often mean longer days for me.  I'm caring for the children on my own for longer spans of time, making and cleaning up after two separate dinners, and not being able to finish the housework until 8, 9, or 10 pm, at which point I'm exhausted.  And he's exhausted.  Tempers are running high and we want both to be with each other and to be left alone to rest.  It's a very volatile combination.

A few nights ago, fueled by exhaustion, stress, and irritation with the long hours, we both woke up in the middle of the night and had an epic argument.  Neither of us were even fully awake for some of it.  There wasn't really even anything to argue about.  We both just reached the point of hostility.

In the wee hours of the morning, we went to separate rooms.  We stayed apart for an hour or so, both awake, unable to sleep, and fuming.  I recognized the situation, fed by anger that wasn't really there.  We weren't angry with each other, necessarily.  We were angry at two weeks of very long days and not having the energy to make time for each other.  I went out to the living room and asked him to come back to bed.

We laid in bed for a long time not making any sort of physical contact.  This is strange to us, as we usually sleep right up against each other, often a tangle of arms and legs.  Eventually we both just let it all go and curled up together.  I cried, he held me, and we both finally slept.

The next morning, we exchanged our apologies.  In our waking hours, we knew what had gone wrong.    We just needed a little bit of a break from the world.  We needed each other.  We needed to be able to let it all go.  And, of course, make up sex isn't a bad ending to this kind of story.

It's finally happened!...sort of.

I know that scientists and sexual health experts say that 2/3 of women can't have vaginal orgasms.  That didn't keep me from trying over and over in the past several years, and with very little success.  Oh, I can have a clitoral orgasm just fine, but I want a vaginal/G-spot orgasm.  Everyone says they are mind-blowing and the best thing ever.  I knew it had never happened for me, and I was most likely incapable of it, but I kept on trying, and Husband kept supporting me.  We both held out hope that I could have a vaginal orgasm.

Now, before I continue, let me say this: it doesn't matter whether you, personally, can have a vaginal orgasm or not.  Really, it doesn't matter.  I mean that.  The reason we kept trying is we want to know everything that we can do in the bedroom.  We want to know everything our bodies are capable of.  If I can have a vaginal orgasm, well, I want to know that.

Moving on.  Remember when I got the Njoy Pure Wand?  I thought if anything could give me a vaginal orgasm, this could.  The Pure Wand has been revered.  Celebrated.  Adored and sought after.  I had high hopes for it, and Husband and I decided I should use it and see what happens.  After a little while, my arm got tired.  The Pure Wand is stainless steel and heavy.  I wanted to keep going, since it seemed to most definitely be working as intended, but I just couldn't.  Reluctantly, I paused.  Then it happened.  I felt the familiar, rhythmic, involuntary pulses of my muscles that usually accompanied my clitoral orgasms, but much weaker.  But there was no feeling of release afterward.  No clear plateau, no clear resolution.  It merely felt good, then this weak pulsing.  I wondered if that was it.  I wondered if I just had a vaginal orgasm.  I did it again.  Same result.

Husband and talked about it.  What, exactly, had happened?  Pulsing, but no release?  What's up with that?  Nevertheless, involuntary pulsing, even though it's weak, does seem to signal orgasm.

"Is that it?" I asked Husband.  "Did I really...?"

"I think so," Husband said.

Honestly, I feel a little cheated for two reasons.  One, I've been having that sensation for years, I just never equated it with orgasm.  There's no resolution and feeling of release, and the muscle contractions are so weak I don't feel them unless I stop moving.  I had no reason to equate those sensations with orgasms until I happened, seemingly by chance, to stop moving when I had the same sensation.  Two, I was promised mind-blowing, darn it!  Where is the amazing, nothing-can-top-it feeling everyone raves about?  This is it?  A few minor muscle contractions?  Well, darn it.

This the point where I remember that everyone is different.  It would appear that I just have weak vaginal orgasms.  There's nothing wrong with my clitoral ones being much, much stronger.  But then I wonder if I can ever get to the point of amazing vaginal ones.  I'm going to work on my kegels and see what that does.  Or, maybe this is it.  I also wonder if more women are actually capable of vaginal orgasms but don't know it because they are so weak.

Stronic Eins!

~This sponsored post was brought to you by Eden Fantasys.~

Stop what you are doing right now and look at this.  This, dear friends, is Fun Factory's newest toy,  the Stronic Eins*.  You may be thinking to yourself, "Meh, it's another vibrator/vaginal stimulator.  Big whoop."  Well, let me tell you something.  This, according to reports, is no mere vibrator.  It's a pulsator, and the first of its kind.  It sort of...shimmies...back and forth, replicating intercourse.  It's even rechargeable, and early reviews are calling it super quiet.  Want to see how it works?  Check out Fun Factory's user manual video below:

Now, like I said, this thing is brand new.  There are only a few reviews on it out there, but the reviews I've read so far place it between pretty decent and mind-blowing, and certainly unique.  I'm good with unique. After all, there were toys I wasn't sure about, like the Pure Wand, which ended up completely blowing me away.  I'm willing to take the risk.  So, I'll be purchasing it, with the help of my Eden Points, in a little over a week.  I'm calling it a birthday present to myself.

Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I have to tell you that the Stronic Eins runs at about $199, making it the most expensive toy I would own thus far.  Before you swoon and pass out like a Victorian school marm at the price, let me tell you a secret!  Hop on over to Eden Fantasys and enter the code HOT4YOU at checkout for 25% off, good until Feb 15th @3pm EST.  Ta-da!

*Please, please, do me a favor.  Don't do like Husband did and pronounce it, "Stronic Anes."  Eins, friends, is the German word for "one" (FF is a German company, remember?) and it is pronounced like this: the "E" is silent, long "i", then "ns."  Like the word "pines," without the "p."  You know what?  Just remember it that way.  "Pines" without the "p."


~This sponsored yet honest post was brought to you by Eden Fantasys.~