And Then I Got A Piercing Part 1

I've made no secret about the kind of person I am.  By sex blogger standards, I'm pretty conservative.  It's part of what makes me, me.  I'm fairly traditional in most regards.  I bake, sew, do laundry, and care for kids.  I volunteer.  I even consider myself religious (hold your gasps, please, I've said that before).  I have no tattoos, don't wear large jewelry, and the only piercings I had were one in each earlobe.  It's not that I care if you have tattoos, wear large jewelry, and have 20 piercings.  Other people's bodies are their own and I don't judge.  It's just that those things aren't really me.

I don't really like change.  I agonize over each haircut.  I thought I was taking a walk on the wild side when I painted my toenails red.  I think you're getting a picture here.  And then Husband asked if I'd consider getting my nipples pierced.  What?  Nipples pierced?  No.  No.  Not ever.

And then I started to think about it.  Why not?  Was I afraid of the pain?  Please.  I gave birth without meds.  Surely a piercing couldn't compare.  I started to do research on the matter and found that some claim a piercing made nipples more sensitive (in a good way), there were lots of options, and many people say that piercings don't hurt as much as they originally thought.  Some people claimed that nipple piercing was getting more and more popular among moms looking to spice things up and regain lost nipple sensitivity.  On top of that, Husband got that devious, mischievous look in his eye when we discussed it.  I love that look.  At first I said yes.  And then reality hit me.  Healing time can be up to a year, sometimes more.  Pretty significant risk of infection.  Piercing care would be just one more thing for me to do, and I changed my mind.  Husband was disappointed, but he made it clear that he wouldn't attempt to force me to do anything with my body.

But the thought was planted.  I spent a few days doing research, planning, and thinking.  Some days I thought, yes, I'm going to do it.  Other times, I decided no, it's not worth it.  But what if, what if...

I started leaning towards yes again.  My brain tends to jump to worst case scenario and after some thought I realized that many of my fears about it were kind of outlandish.  And I would get so much out of the piercings, mostly a private celebration of sexuality.  None of my real life (physically present) friends or family would know unless I told them.  It's such personal thing, a way to decorate myself, and the fact that Husband finds it hot is just gravy.  And, since the healing time is so long, if in a few weeks I decide I didn't like the piercings, I could just take them out and let the holes close.

Then it turned out that Husband had a few days off while the kids were in school.  It almost never happens.  Since I most certainly wanted him to be with me, it was a now or never situation.

We came to an understanding.  Since we both wanted it, we needed to come to an agreement of what a piercing like that meant, as far as responsibility goes.

1. I would go to the piercing place and look.  Even though our local studio is very highly thought of, if I didn't like what I see or didn't trust the piercer, we walk out.
2. For a while, any sexual activity or position that would put pressure on my breasts is off the table.
3. Until I'm mostly healed and can handle it, sweaty chores like mowing the lawn (which I had been doing for the most part) are his job.  This may sound like I do more than my fair share around the house, but he does dinner almost every night, as he's better at it.  Me doing the lawn was a happy trade-off.
4. Caring for our veggie garden, which requires a lot of bending over to water and weed, will be his job until I can do so comfortably.
5. I get to have new, comfy shelf camis to help me through healing time.
6. He will listen to me complain about any and all pain with good humor.
7. He will go with me to get pierced.
8. Should I get an infection bad enough that requires a doctor visit, he has to go with me.
9. If, in a few weeks, I decide I don't like it for any reason, I can take it out, no questions asked.
10. Because of my anxiety, there was a good chance that IF I decided yes, it would be spontaneous and it had to be my idea. (Pre-planning increases my anxiety.  More time to think = more time to worry.)
11. I will be taking a few days off of heavier, in depth housework until I can do so comfortably.

These are the terms that we agreed on, but I thought that I still wouldn't do it when it came down to it.  I mean, as fun as having a private piercing sounded, I couldn't imagine willingly allowing someone to push a needle through my skin.  And then, all of the sudden, I said it:  "Well, let's go and check the place out.  It doesn't hurt to look, right?"

"Riiiiiight," Husband replied, with that look on his face.  The devious one.  The one where he's about to get what he wants and is barely containing his excitement.

Part 2 still to come.

On Blogging: Being Who You Are

There has been a sudden and very vast increase in sex bloggers lately, especially over the past few days.  Most of them are starting blogs because they are angry with a certain company that they wrote reviews for, but that's not what I'm going to be talking about today.  Not yet.

Whether you are starting a blog because you are dissatisfied with a company you once worked with or you just feel like having a go at blogging, starting a blog can be overwhelming.  Several bloggers have written posts on getting started, and now I'm adding my voice to theirs.  However, my advice has less to do with the finer points of writing a review or backing up your site or even which companies have affiliate programs.  What I have to say is much simpler, and should be obvious, but it's not.

Be your awesome self.

Simple, right?  But not totally obvious to a lot of people.  As humans, we want to imitate, especially when we see something that works, but when we imitate something as personal as blogging style, it will feel unnatural and may even come off as merely a shadow of the original.  To put it another way, imagine you have a good friend that wears very unique, handmade clothes.  They look stunning on her and matches her personality.  If you had an exact copy made for yourself, will the outfit work as well?  Maybe, but probably not.  It's someone else's style, not yours.

Let me note that I'm not talking about colors or layout of your blog, as there are only so many combinations that work well.  No one is going to fault you for having black text on a white background, even though tons of bloggers do it.  It works and it works well.  It's tempting to write with pink text on a purple background because no one else does it, but please, don't.  It may be unique, but it will also be unreadable.

What I'm talking about here is your individual writing style.  When I first started blogging, I didn't know what I was and what I wanted to be.  I experimented a little bit.  I felt that I really lean closer to the conservative side of things, but I couldn't help notice the success of other blogs that were really vibrant and edgy.  So, I tried to be a little more edgy, and, predictably, I failed.  You know why?  I'm not edgy.  I bake.  I sew.  I quilt.  I'm a homebody.  For goodness sakes, I used to teach Sunday School.    If the center of edgy is the sun, then I'm out in the Orion Nebula.  I think I've made my point.  So, I went back to being boring-but-honest me.  As it turns out, my particular style of blogging fills a need.  Many of my readers wanted information, but, being conservative themselves, wanted it from a site that contained no nudity or what they would consider foul language.

I've been invited to participate wide-reaching blogger games, like posting for Sinful Sunday, where bloggers post provocative pictures.  I'm not judging the people that do, but it's not something I'm comfortable with.  It's not who I am, so I don't participate.

When you start a blog, if you start a blog, remember to be who you are.  The blogging community will meet you where you're at and be supportive of you for you.  Well, unless you lie.  Then expect to be roasted alive on Twitter.

Like I said, many people in the blogging community have come together to write posts about being a decent sex blogger.  Even though other bloggers have said it before, I'm going to repeat it, as I, personally, am still getting asked about it: the free toys issue.  All the brand new bloggers want to know how established bloggers talk companies into giving them toys to review.  The thing is--and you aren't going to like this answer if you are new to the blogging world--some companies won't be interested in you until your blog is established and has been up and active for a while.  How long is "a while"?  That depends on who you ask.

Once you feel you have planted your blogging feet firmly enough to start talking to companies, it's important that you don't get your feelings hurt.  Some companies will say yes, some will say no, some will say later, and many may never answer you at all.  That's just how it works.  Personally, in the lifetime of my blog, I've received a positive answer about 50% of the time, with an even higher positive percentage as time goes on.  This means that if you want to start a review blog, you have to be satisfied for the time being reviewing items that you either already own or will purchase for yourself, then branch out.  However, if your intent in blogging is just to get free toys, you will quickly become frustrated and disenchanted.

For further information, you can check out Epiphora's info for new bloggers and people leaving that one company.  TheSinDoll also has an ongoing list of where to find info for new bloggers. [Warning: Both blogs may contain nudity and/or profanity, and are generally considered NSFW (not safe for work).  You've been advised.]

How I very nearly stopped blogging, tweeting, and reviewing, and why I'm still here

I walk a fine line here.  I'm not as straight-laced as my parents (not even kind of), but I am a bit more conservative than other sex bloggers.  This has lead to times of indecision, uncomfortable discussions with other bloggers, and once or twice I've been shamed by bloggers that considered me on the outside (I'm not going to name names.  Don't ask).  At this point, I don't care.  I am what I am, I write what I write, I think what I think.  Still, I can't help but notice that as not fully a sex blogger, not fully a marriage blogger, and not fully a review blogger, I don't quite fit.

A few days ago I woke up and found several contacts I had with companies had quit, lost their jobs, or simply stepped down from their positions, and several perks and discounts I relied on for my reviewing hobby were disappearing.  This was going to deeply impact how and how often I receive toys for review, how much I would pay for them, and what quality I was going to be able to afford.  I thought about joining some affiliate programs, but after talking for a while with Husband on the matter, we decided it is not something we want to get involved in at this moment.  That aspect of the blog is something I'm still trying to figure out.  But to be honest, the reviewing was only supposed to be a bit here and there anyway.  I know there have been a lot of reviews lately, but that's just because I happened to try several new products fairly close together.

Then there is the rest of it.  The part where I actually talk about sex.  The part where I talk about marriage.  And occasionally, the parts I talk about kids or why something in the news/magazine/internet has greatly pissed me off and I felt it needed to be discussed.  I'm sure you remember last time that happened.

I was in a pretty big funk.  I thought that I really had nothing of value to say except for the review part, and with reviews possibly slowing down in the near future perhaps it was time to call it a day.  What could I possibly offer?  Does anyone even read the nonsense I type out?  It was time, I decided, to hang up my sex blog hat and walk away.  It was fun while it lasted.  So long and thanks for all the fish.*

Small bouts of depression will do that to you.  Not that giant, suicidal, life is not worth living depression, but the small little thunderstorms that make you doubt yourself.  Make yourself a cup of tea, listen to Mumford & Sons, have a good cry, and move on.  You'll find a new hobby.  It's the same self-doubt crap that's been occasionally rearing it's ugly head since I was a kid.

"It would free up more time for you in the evening," Husband said.  I agreed that it would.  He wasn't sure how to advise me, and I don't think he felt he should be giving any direction at all.  This, he feels, is my thing.

In retrospect, it all sounds very silly.  Big deal if my reviews are a little further between.  I've got other things to talk about.  But that's where I was.  I was ready to end this aspect of my creative life and go back to focusing purely on my mommy blog.  (Yes, I have one of those.  Shut up.  Don't judge.)  The plan was to finish up the reviews for products I had, say whatever came to mind, and that's it.

And then it changed and I knew that if I ever decided to stop, now was certainly not the time.  You see, a friend was taking a human sexuality class and asked if Husband and I would be open to being interviewed about our sexual history and current sex life.  We both readily agreed.  To us, it's just sex.  It's something everyone does.  She thanked us several times and told us her classmates were having a heck of a time finding couples to interview.  No one, it seemed, wanted to talk about sex.  We don't understand why.

Sex sex sexity sex sex.

Where was I?  Oh, yes.  This particular person knows that I'm Batman my true identity and that I run this blog.  Occasionally, she reads it.  (Hey, there.)  Now, I can't remember if this was part of the interview or just small talk, but she did ask me some questions about the blog.  Husband chimed in, telling her that I've been a big help to some people who have been able to open up to their spouses.

That's when all the self-doubt and worry and plans to pack it in came crashing to the floor.  As Husband talked about me and this blog, I realized that he was right.  I thought about all the messages I've received from people.  All the questions I had answered.  The people that were actually opening up discussions about sex with their spouses because the read something I wrote.  I was succeeding at doing exactly what I wanted to do: make sex normal and open up frank talk.  Allow spouses to see that they can, and they should, be open with each other.  That it's perfectly fine for friends to swap tips.  That sex in and of itself is not shameful.

I realized that I don't give a flying flip if I only have 20 people--5 people--2 people reading what I put out there as long as those people are taking something away from it and opening up to each other.





*It's a Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference.  Kudos if you got it.  You know where your towel is.

It's weird, right? Yeah, it's weird.

Something that has been on my mind lately is this: I am a conservative sex blogger.  Do those words even go together?