The Holidays are Coming Up...

~This sponsored post was brought to you by Eden Fantasys.~

It's not even Thanksgiving yet, but people are starting to get their Christmas lists together.  If you've been waiting for a special occasion to get a really nice toy, this may be the time.  Want something, but don't know what?  Here are a few of my picks that I have tried and loved.

For Her: A wand vibrator, also called a massager.  Wand vibrators come in a variety of sizes, qualities, strengths, and colors.  Some are rechargeable, some run on batteries, some plug in to the wall.  The most well known is the Hitachi Magic Wand, which I currently own.  Many high-end companies are now coming out with their own version of wand vibrators, like the Lelo Smart Wand.  Even though wands are made for external use, you can buy attachments for some of them that allow them to be used internally, such as the Gee Whiz.

For Him:  Male Maturbator.  Honestly, this is an area that Husband and I are just learning about.  So many of our toys are female-centric, or female-centric that we learn how to use as a couple.  I wanted to get something for him, something high-quality.  The problem was that neither of us were sure if he'd like that kind of toy, since he'd never had one.  We came upon the Tenga Egg, which is a disposable one.  He loved it and now I'm on the hunt for a long-lasting toy that we can use together.  Or apart.  Or both.

Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

For the Couple: Vibrator and Massager.  I'm in love with the We-Vibe Touch for sex with Husband.  In certain positions it fits between us, is rechargeable, and made of silicone.  I also love the Contour M by JimmyJane for actual muscle massages.  Simple to use, made of ceramic, and doesn't hurt our hands.

We-Vibe Touch

JimmyJane Contour M

For info on female orgasm: The book!  I Love Female Orgasm is a book that I wouldn't be without now.  The book is all encompassing, so not all of the information will be relevant to every one.  However, the book is full of fantastic information.

Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

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All that being said, what am I getting?  I've got my eye on a couple of things.  I'm thinking about getting Husband the Tenga Flip Hole.  And as a gift for us, my next order will probably be the Jopen Ego e3, and maybe these feathery things, just because I find them amusing.

If you want to start browsing, you may want to check out the Eden Fantasys promotion page for current sales.  Don't forget, if you buy from Eden, you get points which can applied to the next order.  Or, save up a lot of points to use on something big.  Points can even be used to pay for shipping.  It's up to you.  It's one of the (many) reasons I usually do my shopping there.  For more info on how the point system works, check out the points page.





~This sponsored but honest post was brought to you by Eden Fantasys.~

Talking about Oral: Fellatio

So, for shear simplicity, I did decide to break up male and female oral into separate posts, otherwise this post would be really long.  For now, we are going to talk about the infamous blow job: women performing oral sex on men, otherwise known as fellatio.  Fun fact: I never came across the word "fellatio" until after I was married, and then I saw it in one of those better sex books.  Apparently, it was one of those words that I should have known, and you should, too!

Anyway, the reactions to this specific act are varied from "Eww!" to "Awesome!" but the act itself is very common.  How common?  Depending on the study you are reading, anywhere between 80-97% of people are reported to have at least tried it. Where does that leave the rest of the population who haven't tried?  Well, it just means they haven't tried or aren't interested, that's all.

This is one activity that Husband absolutely loves, but for a long time I absolutely hated it.  I found it boring, physically uncomfortable, unromantic, and impersonal.  When he asked me for it, I went along with him, but I certainly didn't enjoy it.  But I wanted to!  My issue was how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be.  Here's what I've learned about it, myself, and us.

I want to feel involved.    It was years before I came out and told him that one of the major issues I had with fellatio is that I feel like I might as well not be there.  Like I was interchangeable with any other person or masturbation.  I wanted it to be about me.  Moreover, I wanted it to be about us.  When he is in a position where I can't really see his face, and he doesn't bother touching me, I am very unhappy.  After I got up the courage to talk to him about this, he did a little reading on his own to try to understand why I felt this way.  I'm happy to say he now understands and this is no longer an issue.

I have the control here.  Something that has really helped me to be able to see oral sex differently is   going back and forth between two different (but related) mentalities.  First, I'm giving an act of love.  He likes oral sex, and I want to do something loving for him because I can.  The second, as silly as it may sound, is knowing I have the power and the ability to give someone else pleasure.  Inner sex goddess and whatnot.

Teeth aren't fun.  Seriously, watch the teeth.

Time is an issue.  This is something I'm very upfront about.  After a while, fellatio hurts my neck and shoulders (we do it lying down).  After about 15 minutes I have to stop, unless I just happen to be really into it that day.  Upon doing some checking, it looks like a limit of around 15 minutes is pretty average as far as stamina and comfort go.  Husband tries his best to act accordingly, unless I'm giving him signals that he can take his time.  I felt a need to say this because I've heard of men thinking their women are faking discomfort after a while.  Hint: they aren't faking.  If this is a problem in your relationship, this is certainly something that needs to be addressed.

Research is my friend.  If I feel like looking up a new technique, I do.  In fact, I have two books that are exclusively about fellatio, and a few more that mention a little bit about it.  However, keep in mind that each man is unique and not everyone likes the same kind of stimulation.  If I'm not sure if he'll like it, I ask.  It's that simple.

It is what I make it.  If I decide I'm not going to enjoy it, that's what is going to happen.  I muddle through it, just desperate for it to be over.  If I decide that I'll enjoy it, then I do.

Even though I don't go running to oral sex as my favored activity, I no longer hate it.  I even initiate it at times.  I'm even...dare I say it?...starting to like it.  But, like all things in the bedroom, communication is key.

Coming Up Next...

I've gotten a few questions and comments about blow jobs, everything from whether it's OK to talk about, how normal it is to do or not do it, and when it is and is not OK to ask for one.

This is a subject that's going to take a day or two to write up, especially since I just got another (yes, another!) book on it in the mail about 10 minutes ago.

I have yet to decide if I'm going to do male receiving and female receiving in the same post, or break it up into two.  Either way, that's what I'll be talking about next.

Basic Guide to Sex Toys

For those that are new to sex toys, the sheer number of types, companies, and materials can be overwhelming.  Where to start if you're new?  If you don't know what you're looking for?  Sex Toys 101 is not exactly taught in sex ed.

Of course, there are way too many for me to cover everything, but here is a basic list that should be helpful.

Vibrators

A vibrator is any toy that is made to stimulate the genital or anal area and vibrates.  That being said, there are several different kinds, and a toy may fit into more than one category.  For instance, the G4 Big Boss is a vibrating dildo, but is also a G-Spot dildo because of the curve.

Clitoral Vibrators: A clitoral vibrator is just that.  It's made to vibrate the external part of the clitoris and is generally not made for insertion.

The We-Vibe Touch clitoral vibrator.

Vibrating Dildos/Vaginal Vibrator: A vibrating dildo is a vibrator made for vaginal stimulation.

The G4 Big Boss vibrating dildo.

Rabbit Vibrator/Dual Stimulation Vibrator: A rabbit or dual stimulation vibrator is generally a dildo with an arm that stimulates the clitoral area and vaginal area simultaneously.

Lelo Ina 2 high-end rabbit vibrator.
Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

G-Spot Vibrator: A G-spot vibrator is made to stimulate a woman's G-spot from the inside.  These usually have a curve or bulb on the end.  Sometimes the whole thing is curved.

The Uma G-Spot vibrator.
Photo credit Eden Fantasys

Wands/Massagers: Vibrating wands, sometimes marketed as massagers, have a long handle and a bulbous vibrating head.  They may be battery powered, rechargeable, or be able to be plugged in.  They are external vibrators and are NOT meant to be inserted.  However, there are companies that sell attachments that fit on the head that have a protrusion that you can insert, such as the Gee Whizzard.

Hitachi Magic Wand

Prostate/Anal Vibrator: Self-explanatory, yes?  Same as a vaginal vibrator, but made for anal or prostate stimulation.

Jopen's Ego e4 high-end prostate vibrator
Photo credit Eden Fantasys

Non-Vibrating Toys

A non-vibrating toy is, obviously, a toy made for some kind of stimulation but does not vibrate.

Dildo/Vaginal Stimulator:  This is a toy that is generally, but not always, phallic shaped, and used for vaginal stimulation.

Rainbow Heart Dildo

Prostate Massagers/Plugs:  For men, a prostate massager is a toy that massages the prostate from the inside.  A plug is made for anal stimulation in either sex.  Both may or may not vibrate.

Lelo's Bob Pleasure Object Prostate Massager
Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

Njoy Pure Plugs
Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

G-Spot Dildos: A G-spot dildo is a toy designed to stimulate the G-spot.  It may or may not vibrate.

The Pink Flowered Friend is a G-spot dildo.

Vaginal Exercisers: A vaginal exerciser is a toy that is made to strengthen vaginal muscles.  They may be called Kegel Exercisers, and often come in some round/ball shape, but not always.

Fun Factory's Teneo Uno and Duo are Kegel exercisers.

Male Masturbators: These are toys specifically for men to masturbate with but can also be used with couples as foreplay or to replace oral sex or mutual masturbation by hand.  They can be disposable or reusable, realistic or fanciful.

The Tenga Egg disposable masturbator
Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

Couple's Toys/Vibrators

Couple's Toys/Vibrators are toys that are made to be used together, but usually can also be used alone.  They can be anything from sensual wear to vibrators that are made to be worn or used during partnered sex.

We-Vibe 3 Couple's Vibrator

Ego e3
Photo Credit Eden Fantasys

Basic Guide to Lubricants

Sometimes, I'm minding my own business, reading a review of a silicone toy, when I see something like this: "You can use any lube with this."'

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  That's...that's not right.  You can not use ANY kind of personal lubricant with a silicone toy.  No.  Just...no.

There are basically two kinds of sexual lubricants: water based and silicone based.  You could argue that oil/petroleum based lubricants count as a third kind, but we won't get into that today.

Water Based
Water based lubricants are the ones that most people are the most familiar with.  If I say KY Jelly, most people will nod their heads and know what I'm talking about.  KY Jelly is water based.

Water based lubricant is excellent to have because it is compatible with just about any sex toy.  In fact, in the instructions of just about every sex toy I've ever had, water based lubricant was recommended.  It comes in a wide variety of thicknesses, ingredients (both natural and synthetic), and flavors.  Yes, flavors!  Some people go for this kind of lubricant because it is so widely available.  Every store with a family planning section will have at least one variety.

The downside of water based lubricants is, from my experience, you will need to reapply fairly often.

A few example brands of water based lubricants include KY Jelly and Sliquid Organics Gel.

Silicone Based
I prefer silicone to water based lubricants because it just seems to last longer.  Those that engage in mutual masturbation or anal sex find that to be a plus.

Honestly, I love how long the silicone lasts compared to water based lubricants.  However, I also greatly love silicone toys.  And guess what?  The two do not go together.  I know, it's somewhat counter-intuitive, but silicone products should be kept away from other silicone products.  They destroy each other.  That's why you can't use just any lubricant with any toy.

The downside of silicone lubricants, in addition to the fact that they can't be used with silicone toys, is that it takes a little more effort to get it off your skin/sensitive bits.  Not overly difficult, but a little harder than water based lubricants.

An example of silicone lubricant is Better Sex Essentials Silicone Lubricant.

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OK, I had to get that off my chest.  In other news, I submitted my warranty claim for my We-Vibe Touch this morning and was alerted that it may be a few days before they get back to me.  When I know more, so will you.

Also coming up soon we'll be talking about oral sex and a basic guide to sex toys.

My We-Vibe Touch Broke Part 1

I love my We-Vibe Touch.  Love it.  It's one of the best sex toy purchases I ever made.  I wasn't crazy about it at first, but after a few uses, it grew on me and I saw it for the awesome toy that it is.  But, the other night when I reached over for my beloved Touch, I found something to be amiss.  I pushed the button the bottom.  Nothing happened.  I tried again.  A high pitched warbling sound, then nothing.  Husband and I just looked at each other, sad and confused.

Dun Dun Duuuun!

Now, here is one of the many, many reasons I always recommend that people spend a little more money (or shopper points, if you are part of a site that does that) when they shop for toys.  If a cheaper toy fails, you're stuck.  You get what you get with those.  There's no warranty, no guarantees, although some good shops/websites may let you return or exchange them for a new one if it arrives broken.  Personally, with cheap toys, I find it's really not worth the hassle of returns.  With more expensive/quality/luxury toys, like the We-Vibe Touch, you get a warranty.  And lets be honest: if I'm going to spend $70+ in money, points, or a combination of the two, I want to be able to get it fixed or get a replacement if something goes wrong.

The Touch happens to come with a one year warranty.  I'm about to start the warranty process, of which the first step involves sending them an email with my purchase information and what the problem is, followed by receiving shipping information from them, then sending the Touch back, and last receiving a replacement.  I have no reason to think the process won't go smoothly.  I've heard great things about We-Vibe's customer service.

Now to see how they handle it.  For me, a company shines or fails in this area.  A company that snubs me as a customer will never see me again.  A company with great customer service will have me coming back.  But, like I said, I have no reason to think it will go badly.  I'll keep you posted.

The No-No Rule

My circle of friends have been talking about the No-No Rule for a few years now.  Never heard of the No-No Rule?  It's pretty simple and it goes like this: When one partner wants to have sex, the other partner doesn't say no without reason (like exhaustion, illness, lots of stress, etc), thus the "no no," as in, don't say no.  One friend calls it her "Okay! Rule," as in she emphatically says, "Okay!"

I know, I know, the idea of it being a "rule" sounds awfully strict.  Maybe even a turn off for some.  If you wish, think of it more as a guideline.  Both partners still retain the right to say no (no one can take away that right!), it just causes them to pause and think about why they are saying no, how often they are saying it, and the affect it may be having in the relationship.

Before you say that sounds awfully sexist, know that the rule goes both ways.  Notice I didn't say, "When the husband wants to have sex, the wife doesn't say no without good reason."  Marriage and affection is, after all, a two way street.

So, what's with this "rule" and why do I think it's important to note?  Well, I've noticed that lack of sex, or sex that occurs only occasionally, in marriage seems to really gnaw at people and cause arguments, even if the irritable partner is the one that doesn't want to have sex.  And, since it seems that a lack of sex causes lack of desire to have sex (to my friends and I, anyway), we like this rule because it keeps sex from being too infrequent.  Friends of mine swear it has increased intimacy, changed attitudes about sex, and saved relationships.  Of course, that's if lack of sex and intimacy is the actual problem in the first place, not something deeper like depression, abuse, or a physical ailment.

Some worry that if they try this "rule," their partner will abuse the privilege.  It's a legitimate concern, and so many people that try the No-No Rule don't tell their partners that they're doing it, at least not at first.  As they progress with it, some people claim that instead of their partners taking advantage of it and being demanding, the opposite happens.  They become more in tune with their partners and have a better understanding of when is and is not a good time to ask for sex.  In fact, I've only heard once of a husband abusing the rule when his wife was using it, but even that was more of a problem with timing.  A frank talk in which she told him that waking her up in the middle of the night several times a week was not OK solved the problem.

Will this philosophy work for you?  I can't answer that.  I know it's worked for me and my circle of friends.  But again, this sort of philosophy is for when lack of intimacy is the core issue, not just a symptom of something bigger.  And remember, as in all things in marriage, communication is key.